Depression through my son's eyes

I was diagnosed with some mental disabilities since I was a child. But since I became a mom, which I thought will made me better, made it worse instead. I was diagnosed with a chronic BPD, anxiety, and depression at the same time. Which I have to take a serious medication for it. No joking, it feels worse each days. I can have my sunny days (like today) sometimes, but suddenly, the storm came in and ruined everything in me.

My 4 years old son is the one who always be there patiently, and he even documenting the journey of my total recovery (which is impossible) with his film camera. When it's hard to leave my bed, when I didn't take any shower for weeks, when I can't stop with my alcohol addiction, even when there's one time I'm under my reasonless panic attack.

Seeing his pictures is somehow a therapy for me, and also his works is one of the inspiration of my talks about photographic therapy.

I hope you'll get something by seeing these pictures taken by him.

Diana F+ | first encounter

Few weeks ago my son asked me to buy him a 120mm analog camera. I searched for the cheapest one and got my eyes landed on a post that sold holga and diana. It's only $70 for second stuff which is a perfect price for my 4 years old son's toy. So I decided to take the diana.

Though I'm an analog camera collector, I've never put any expectations on any of those old cameras. As long as it's still okay to use, I will just keep it. Once the diana arrived, I brought it for a photoshoot to test if it's still working and I'm kinda amused by the results. I still couldn't find where to arrange the focus and got a minimum informations on that day. but still, I'm very happy with the results.

so here's my first day of using this diana f+ and I will make another review about what I found on this sweet baby.

scanned and developed by artisan labs

using the green gel - portra 400

using the green gel - portra 400

I rolled the film manually, but it's not there yet so it became a beautiful human error - portra 400

I rolled the film manually, but it's not there yet so it became a beautiful human error - portra 400

this bulb option though - portra 400

this bulb option though - portra 400

the double exposure is lit - portra 400

the double exposure is lit - portra 400

still, double exposure on ilford delta 3200

still, double exposure on ilford delta 3200

seriously people, $70 ?? it worth more! - ilford delta 3200

seriously people, $70 ?? it worth more! - ilford delta 3200

even for the harsh light. plastic lens still got me happy. - ilford delta 3200

even for the harsh light. plastic lens still got me happy. - ilford delta 3200

the bulb is king! - ilford delta 3200

the bulb is king! - ilford delta 3200

oh, and you can take countless exposures in one frame! I'm crazy over it! - ilford delta 3200

oh, and you can take countless exposures in one frame! I'm crazy over it! - ilford delta 3200

for a big fan of blurry and abstract pictures, I won't sell this thing. I will keep it for myself till forever. oh, I mean for me son. well.. - ilford delta 3200

for a big fan of blurry and abstract pictures, I won't sell this thing. I will keep it for myself till forever. oh, I mean for me son. well.. - ilford delta 3200

VSCO Film 1 | my digital coloring

I know, I should post this long time ago. VSCO film is now reaching the 7th set of wonderful tones. I bought 6packs out of it and really satisfied for everything. If you asked me which one is my favorite, I can't choose. sorry. all of them are so good and so different.

But I can be sure all of us always have our comfort food or our comfort place. It doesn't have to be fancy or savory, but we will go there, we will eat them when we seek for safety. I also have my comfort tone, here in vsco 1.

let me show you some comparison of my raw images and the images that's already toned in vsco.

all of them were taken using leica m 240 and noctilux lens with cloudy as the white balance.

So there's the comparison between my raw images, the vsco film 1 fuji pro 400h, and the vsco film 1 ilford hp5+. 

To be honest, it's not the best (yet) out of tons of vsco colours. but, it's like a comfort food to our tongue, like pancakes or sandwiches in the morning, like riding your dad's old car, like living in your own messy bedroom. not so fancy nor unique, but it's my safe place when I search for comfort.

I did some tweaks. yes. not merely put the vsco presets and VoilA! NOPE.

I changed the exposure, the contrast, added blacks, or sometimes, reduced the saturation. but not more than that.

 

So, with this, I wish you found your comfort tone too, your "place" to hide from this fast moving world.

 

ciao

 

 

credits : thanks to ryan and nina for the trip:)